Grey Matter

Shiva is still sitting in the pathway between chetpet station and the over bridge. Smoke all over around him.He has smoked continously for more than 30 min now.The yellow light emanating from the neon street lights in the bridge above, combined with the smoke around him gives an errie look.The pathway is inbetween the railway tracks and the overbridge but is full of trees.It almost would qualify as a mini forest.The place doesn’t seem to be part of the city. Like a metaphor for what he feels right now.

This is the last train leaving towards chrompet.If he misses this, he would have to wait for another 4 hours before the next day service starts.

He climbs an empty railway car.The train starts.He stands at the door front,watching a crematorium in the distance.Then he looks down at the subway that comes next.He gets a sudden realization that he is on the edge of the door.Even a gentle push from somebody from the back would make is way to the crematorium he just saw or atleast break his limbs for sure.

He gets in the coach.Now he finds that the coach is not completely empty and a man is sitting over at the far end.He is watching him.He feels that middle aged man must have been watching him all this while. The man waves at him asking him to sit beside him.

Now this is not what he wanted.Some middle aged man trying to strike up conversation for the entire journey. He is so fed up with all this. He sits in the front in opposite direction of the man. The man now comes and sits beside him. Anyother day he would have scolded the man with a F* word.

The middle aged man extends a hand. “I am Nahar .What is your good name?”

Shiva doesn’t respond to this. Nahar doesn’t seem perturbed by this.He goes on. “You seem to be in a bad mood.What is that you are worried about?”

Shiva gets angry.He has to stop this immediately else this guy would go on speaking.He starts yelling at him.”I dont want to talk to you ^%@#. All you guys pretend.Dont try to be this nice guy to me.I hate you all.Now would you please shut up “

Nahar doesn’t get angry at all. He goes on “Good. I was hating everybody like this.They all seem losers don’t they ?”

“Yeah.They all. There was this class mate of mine.We were in a narrow street.Walking towards each other.I give her a smile of recognization,all she does is quickly look down trying to avoid getting the eyes meet up again.”

Now having said that.Shiva wonders what made him respond this man.He was hating him just few seconds back.But something in his eyes tell that he is genuinely interested in hearing his story.

Nahar smiles.”May be she had a big brother who doesn’t like her talking to guys.”

“Well i dont know that.But what I did was, i played by her game. Passing by her acting as if i didn’t see her.And after few steps thought why don’t we have more fun and went back stood right before her and said a ‘Hi’.She was caught unaware. All that she could speak was that,how come i was here, as if she hasn’t seen me a few minutes back.Pretention i say. What makes these people pretend? i hate seeing pretenders”

“You hate people.People love to hate others. You can see in old movies heroes used to be this communist guys who hated the capitalist guys, who are always shown as evil guys.But then when the same hero becomes a millionaire in just a span of one song.No questions asked.”

“Ha ha.Exactly.When you do it,its fine but when it is the other way round it is wrong.”

“There is a theory that the hatred towards others is just a culmination of your own insecurites and fears.”

“Well i dont believe this theory .What about the people you hate simply,like auto men.”

“Good point there.This auto men is a good case study. People hate auto men because they are unruly and are drunkards. But when they find out their own son being a drunkard they blame it on his friendship. They go like ‘my son he was a good boy. He friends cirlce spoiled him.’ When their son drinks its a societal problem but when the automan drinks it is his problem. Because he is auto man, you know.”

“And in Delhi begging has been criminalised. See even the government hates beggars now.They dont speak of rehabilitation,they speak like ‘you beg so you are a criminal’”

“Now that you understand it is nothing to do with you.It is just the human nature.Tell me what make you happy?”

“Well i really cant answer this exactly.”

“Ok tell me this. people,material,your ego satisfaction. does all this cover all the things that makes you happy?”

“Well i think it does.I am not sure”

“Ok.Let me explain. There are some people, who when you talk to, makes you happy. For example talking to kids,your mother,spouse,friends etc., isn’t it? then there are this materialistic pleasures which could be something as small as eating a chocolate,drinking a hot tea on a cold night and as big as buying a jet plane. And finally your ego satisfaction such as helping out somebody,solving something that was termed impossible,becoming famous and all that”

“Wow.Yes it covers everything that makes a man happy.”

“Now let me burst each of those causes. First up the materialistic pleasures.If i give you a million dollar and tell you that you cannot exchange it for goods does that bring any happiness to you?”

“Of course not.”

“Humans – we desire things,we feel as if the thing is all important for the rest of your life.But once you get it and the excitement fades,life is the same as it was before.Think how you wanted each of those toys when you were younger. But then life was the same after a week with the toy.”

“Yes.I could add on.Thinking about eating chocloates is more happier moment than the one after you ate.”

“Good.People make you want things.They sell it to you.Get your money and what they do with that money they go and buy things that others made them want to.I sell plasma TV to you.And go buy a jet airplane.”

“Interesting,So you mean to say that people should be void of materialistic desires?”

“No.Don’t jump to conclusions so early.Let me take you along with me till the end.Then you decide what is best for you”

“Okay”

“Now that the main thing is bursted the rest of the two can be easily bursted.I mean people though they seem to give happiness, It is just your thoughts. Same goes for the ego satisfaction. It is your thoughts that make you feel happy or sad. “

“I am not fully getting this thoughts thing.”

“Let me explain. Think of you as a tubelight. Well, pun not intended. You radiate light.And when dust covers you,you become less radiant. The radiance is the happiness. The dust cover is the thoughts.”

“thoughts come to you.You dont have to control your thoughts.The more you try to control your thoughts the more it comes back at you.It is just this thoughts that make you sad. Imagine you had a eraser in your palms.When you wipe off your forehead with your palms your present thoughts are erased.Then which state are you back to. Your original state of happiness”

“Sounds interesting. But what about the people who are pure evil. Who try to screw you every time ?”

“Now thats brings me to the other theory that you are God. Watch Anbe Sivam movie to get a hang of this. When you are God you don’t have to prove anything to anybody. Now imagine you lost your speaking and touching ability and you became invisible. How do you prove your existence to others.”

“Why should i prove.Even if i am not able to prove,I exist.Nothing can deny the fact that i exist.”

“Exactly.Thats the way you should think about yourself.You dont have to prove anything to anybody.”

The train now reached chrompet station.Shiva had to get down.He feels the conversation could have lasted for a lot more time. He now has more questions than answers. But the prospect of finding the answers all by himself is exciting for him.

He says the final bye to the Nahar and gets down. Feeling he is the God.